ROYAL RUMBLE 2013!!!!!!1!11!

Alright guys, it’s the second biggest event of the year here in the States, and Here at the DAV2112 household we’re all excited to see John Cena bury everyone so he can recreate the most boring match of all time at Wrestlemania. We have a fantastic line-up tonight of…um…

Pre-Show Match/Match 1: Antonio Cesaro © vs The Miz

• First of all, I know this is the pre-show thingy, but as far as i’m concerned, it’s part of the PPV. Second of all, who is this other guy doing announcing that isn’t Matt Striker? Third, why don’t they show the Youtube thing on the TV when you order it? It’s far more interesting than the review stuff they’re playing. They’re sucking down my battery life damn it!
• Anyway, I’m choosing Antonio Cesaro as the winner because his jacket is less stupid, and he’s awesome. But mostly the Jacket.
• Black Ref getting work tonight, so that’s awesome. Striker shits all over Miz. I enjoy this. SWISS DEATH! I think…i looked away for a second…Michinoku Driver-looking thing!! Cesaro is on fire!
• At this point, Miz has gotten pretty much no offense in. Cesaro with a sick backbreaker thing, as Matt Striker says that he has SWAG! God, Shut up Striker…
• Miz Botches a landing and The other announcer, for the 200^th time, says the match is going to end with this move.
• Cesaro with a Neutralizer at the end to finish up a decent match.
• One word for that match…SWAG. Match wasn’t bad, but it lacked a bit in the excitement department. Doesn’t help that Announcer 2 kept ruining each pinfall. But Cesaro’s SWAG saved it. ***

*I’d just like to point out how ridiculous and stupid that Commercial is for the Royal Rumble, but this opening promo is fantastic.

Match 2: Big Show vs Alberto Del Rio ©

• Right, so while I want Big Show to win, it’s obvious he won’t, so i’m going with Alberto Del Rio to win this shit. Also, lol at the World Title being the first match.
• DUDE! Bret Hart! Best segment ever.
• Alright, so if this is anything like the Smackdown 3 weeks ago, this’ll be amazing.
• Del Rio’s kicks are fantastic, but anytime I see Big Show take a drop kick to the knees it’s hilarious.
• Nice Armbar/Backdrop spot. Del Rio was all “I immediately regret this decision.” And I laughed, and He cried, and I stopped rambling.
• Sick Chokeslam by Show as they start to brawl their way up the ramp.
• Light tubes and Tables? Am I watching 5 Dollar Wrestling. What the hell is Big Show Doing?!?! On the lights! NO!!! NOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Del Rio’s dead…He’s on his feet but he’s dead. Del Rio is being set up for the WMD, but Del Rio runs to the outside. Show goes for the stairs. This seems oddly familiar. RICARDO NO!!!
• Big Show, you silly goose…You’re supposed to put your opponent through the Barricade, not yourself. Tisk tisk. Del Rio is hell bent on killing Big Show.
• Aw…aw……Such a good match with such a poop ending. I hate when they end matches like that. *sigh , Del Rio Wins with the duct tape trick.
• As much as I dislike the ending, that was a really good match. Like, REALLY good. I hope the feud continues, because it’s been great thus far. ****

*Nice little promo for Ziggler. AJ isn’t that good on the mic, but she’s sexy so she gets away with it. Big E is hilarious.

*Nice Royal Rumble promo

Match 3: Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes vs Kane & Daniel Bryan

• Calling for Rhodes Scholars to win. Dat stache sign
• Nice opening exchange followed by the Romero Special! And a tag to Kane with the Drop Kick.
• SO MANY KICKS! JBL is losing his shit about hugging as these four just kill each other.
• Elbow of Disdain. It kills me that the announcers are treating this match like a joke. The crowd is not interested either. WWE has failed at their “tag team initiative” Remember when the Prime Time Players did things other than job on Superstars?
• Kane comes in with a head of steam, as I run out of wrestling mannerisms to spill. Kane sets up a double chokeslam, but NO! Double suplex, but D-Bry tagged in!. Chokeslam to Cody! D-Bry with the No Lock! IT’S OVER!
• Well, I was wrong, but nothing wrong with that. Pretty decent match. It’s a shame the crowd doesn’t care because it was fairly entertaining. Not the best showing, but the ending stretch was good. ** ½ cause Average

Match 4: ROYAL RUMBLE!!

• This one is gonna be hard to keep track of, so I’m only gonna cover things I find SUPER important, but i’m calling John Cena to win
• Also, let me state that fuck The Rock. This is supposed to be the most important part of the PPV. Ziggler enters first so that he can be eliminated first, and Cena can win.
• JERICHO!?!?!?!?!?! ***** Jericho’s got a tattoo…This is weird
• SANTINO! Always great stuff
• Goldust comes in and Cody’s like “God damn it man…”
• Kofi is just amazing, just using a chair like a boss to get back in the ring. AAAAAAAAND he’s gone…
• The Godfather!! Aw…Damn you Ziggler. You’re anti-fun right now
• I just realized that Rey Mysterio’s outfit looks like Juventud’s. That makes him my favorite in the match right now
• John Cena comes out and I immediately lose interest. He eliminates people and nobody cares
• D-Bry kicks everyone to death! He’s winning this, calling it
• Cesaro changed his pants for the occasion. Just saying.
• JBL calls Natalya/Khali an inter species relationship and I laugh…yep
• Kane/Daniel Bryan spot was great.
• Bo Dallas eliminates Barrett. Nobody cares
• Ziggler is eliminated…Done caring
• Sheamus lost. I officially give no fucks
• Nice little Ending Stretch, but I was not overly impressed by the closing of the match. Especially since it pretty much gives away the main event
• The match itself was an average Rumble. Nothing spectacular, but enough to keep it entertaining. ***

Match 5: CM Punk © vs The Rock

• You don’t want this. You may think you want this, but you don’t want this. Nobody wants this, even if you think you do. That being said, maybe i’m a stickler, but the champion should always, ALWAYS enter last. It’s tradition. Regardless, i’m calling The Rock to win because fuck the real fans, it’s all about getting those extra viewers who only tune in for a nostalgia trip. Okay…I’m gonna get off my high horse and try to be unbiased. No promises tho.
• Opening attack is violent as shit. Heyman attacks Rock and then cries for his mom. Punk REFUSUES to destroy the Spanish Announce Table.
• Slow paced, with Punk in control for the most part at this point. Cole casually mentions Punk’s knee as he slams it into the padding at ringside. I don’t think they know what the word subtle means.
• That was a nice little GTS/Sharpshooter/Anaconda Vice spot. Now it’s Peoples Punch time! A nice DDT by The Rock, but no Kip-up. Rock locks in the Sharpshooter, but Punk crawls to the ropes! Hot action!
• The Spanish announce table once again come into play. The Table prematurely sold the Rock Bottom and the Rock is Likely really hurt. And decides to just Rock Bottom him on the padding outside instead. How embarrassing. Not in a bad way, but they’re probably embarrassed that that happened.
• People’s elbow gets interrupted by The Shield in the Dark. But it might not have been. It could have been anyone to be fair. Punk Smiles and rolls Rock into the ring. 1…2…3!!!! Punk did it! PUNK DID IT!! BEST IN THE WORLD!! However, that ending was ass.
• Oh, what’s this now? Vince? What does his old ass want? Strip him? Rock ain’t into that thing. Match gets restarted and Rock looks heroic as he stumbles back into the ring.
• Punk on the offensive. Kills Rock a bit, pins him. NOPE! Kick out. GTS? NOPE! Spinebuster. People’s Elbow time! He got him! 1…2…3! THE ROCK WON!!
• Well, that was a pretty good match. Nothing spectacular, but far from bad. Looking at it without my hate of Rock, it was pretty good. Punk looked really good, it was much more exciting then Rock/Cena, and it was well paced. However, the ending was awful and the match was HORRIBLY predictable, even from an outsider. Overall, the match was Good, up until the end, when it jumped off of a cliff while slitting it’s wrist, swallowing swords, and eating cyanide pills. ***1/2

Overall Thoughts:

So, the PPV wasn’t bad at all, but it started with the best match, which i think hurt it. Punk/Rock put on a nice, watchable match, and everything on the card was solid. The rumble was fun as always, but once it was down to the final four, it was pretty obvious who was going to win.

Basically, what i’m saying is the entire event was predictable. The endings to most of the match were just let downs. However, nothing was terrible, so i guess that’s a plus. The final verdict is ***. Overall just an average PPV

Hits:

• Del Rio/Big Show
• Daniel Bryan/Kane backstage penis joke
• Daniel Bryan/Kane Royal Rumble antics
• Chris Jericho’s presence
• Sheamus’s impressive Rumble Showing
• Miz/Cesaro

Misses:

• Main Events ending
• Royal Rumble after Ziggler got eliminated
• Tag Title Match